If there’s any lesson to be gleaned from the debauchery of last weekend’s Ultra Music Festival in Miami, Florida (other than “don’t attempt to scale ascending bridges, dipshits”) it’s that the EDM bros of 2015 are alive, well and evidently using their crypto winnings to drop six-figures on overpriced booze.

Earlier this week makeup artist Thaiz Fernandez took to TikTok with a video detailing how she managed to drink $50,000 worth of alcohol during her stint in the festival’s VIP section, a testament to both the event’s absolutely batshit VIP-section pricing and the performative loneliness of Miami dudebros.


“You might be thinking Thaiz, “‘are you an alcoholic or are you rich? One or the other,’” she commenced the clip, which has since garnered upwards of 420,000 views. “No no no, it was insane.”


@thaizfernandez ya girl was in SHOCK. #miami #ultra #parati #mmw #storytime #zxycba #fypシ #ultramusicfestival #ultra2023 #grwm #storytimevideos #storytimes #miamibeach #fortlauderdale ♬ Chill Vibes - Tollan Kim


After snagging a spot in the festival’s VIP section, one boasting “celebrities left and right” including  David Grautman and Ivanka Trump, an adjacent table consisting of roughly 7-8 people, including an old man, a handful of dudes, and a few young women who ordered a parade of roughly 15 champagne bottles.


Later on, Fernandez ventured into a different VIP area where one of the aforementioned dude-bros approached her, encouraging her to drink up. “He’s like “hey, do you want a drink? “Like, get whatever you want off that table,” she recalled, alleging that the man in question “wasn’t like flirting with me or anything.”  



Despite grabbing Tequila, her beverage of choice, and a few of her pals, there was still quite a bit of leftover booze — so much that the aforementioned table not only encouraged them to bring home a few bottles but also began spraying the Swedish House Mafia pit with champagne-y goodness.



Yet this commissioned parade of excess, a spectacle designed to impress a handful of guests who had all probably seen more extravagant displays during their last E11EVEN stint, didn’t come cheap.


The VIP section menu, briefly depicted in Fernandez’s viral video, was a Martin Shkreli apologist’s wet dream. Starting at $8,500 for the “Broke AF” package that lands you three bottles, the parades spanned well into six-figure sums, most egregiously, the $550,000 “Student Loans” package.


“I was like, I’ve never seen this amount of craziness in my life,” she continued, describing the section’s patrons as “disgustingly” rich.


Hey, at least they know their audience.